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After a break up and you have been dumped you hurt, you’re confused as to maybe why it happened, and you want answers NOW! But as always I advise you  take your time, stop and think things through, let your ex (and yourself) have some breathing space – think before you act.

Do not call or text your ex. for at least a week, if you start constantly calling immediately after the breakup then you run the risk  of appearing “needy” and this will probably make the gap between you even greater. After a week let your ex know that you are still interested and let it go at that, wait to see what their reaction is before planning your next step.

There reaction will break down into 3 broad categories, let’s start at the top

1) Their reaction is positive – great, well done!, but still take it slow before rushing back into the relationship, you still need to work out what went bad the last time. Make date with you ex say for coffee, somewhere neutral so that you can control the conversation and the length of your first ‘date’. Be there a little early and try to relax (have included a short video by TW Jackson called Calm Mind Technique practice the technique before seeing your ex) , have your questions ready and your answers. When your ex arrives say you’re sorry for what happened do not go on about it, just keep it short and allow them to reply, then talk over your questions about how you feel and how they feel. Remember you have two ears and one mouth so listen more than you speak. Keep the date short no longer than 20 minutes or so, then say you have to go for whatever reason you can think of arrange to meet again if you a happy with the way the ‘date’ went. There are two reasons for keeping it short, first it allows you to discuss your problems without getting too deep, after the date you can go over how it went quietly on your own secondly you will leave your ex wanting more, always a good thing. Meet up again a few days later, possibly at a place that you used to go when the relationship was new, and start the relationship all over again from the beginning, you will know from the first ‘date’ what went wrong.

2) Their reaction is indifferent, but open to meeting up – not so good, but at least it is not rejection! Go through the above plan for the first ‘date’ you might consider leaving the first ‘date’ for a short while before meeting up. This will give your ex time to think about why you want to meet up and then leave it for a while before doing so, in short let them stew for a while. In between your call and the first ‘date’  get together with your friends, make them into you support group, go out and have some fun, this will make your ex realise that you actually have a life. Your first ‘date’ will go much better with them knowing that you have your life back, this will grab their attention. Go through your first ‘date’ as before, study their reaction more closely, then go on to the second ‘date’ if it goes well, if not go out and enjoy the life you have just regained with your friends and support group.

3) Their reaction is negative even hostile – not good, but not necessarily final. Put everything on hold and get together with your friends and support group, go out and have fun, once you have got your life back together then think again. Do you really want to give it another go with your ex?, then after a few weeks try contacting them again and see, if it looks like there is a possibility then go to position 1 and start again take it slow and tread carefully you don’t want to get hurt all over again. If the answer in still no, then enjoy your regained life and find someone else.
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Be Fair to Each Other

After a few years together you may start to each for granted, you know pressure of life and survival in today’s economy can make it difficult to make time for each other, by that I mean private quality time. If this happens in your relationship it tends to become very brittle and the slightest trivial problem can become a major obstacle and lead to conflict. So take a firm grip on your relationship goals so that when your marriage/relationship is in conflict- be fair to each other.

Past experiences tell me that almost all relationships/marriages will go through, at some time, a period of conflict and how you handle it between you will influence greatly the outcome of your troubles. At the first sign of conflict take some quality time away from all distractions and talk to each other, I realise that you talk to each other most days but this time talk, not about things, but about what is going on in your relationship.

Breaking the ice is the most difficult thing to do, you may not have talked to each other about how you feel for a long time, so once you start the flood gates may well open. Take is one problem at a time do not let them pile up one on top of the other or you will become overwhelmed. Be fair to each other, no put downs, no sarcasm, you always do this or that……….. this attitude will only inflame the situation,  which is going in the opposite direction when you should be trying to minimise the scale of the fallout.

Take it in turns, allow one of you to bring up an issue that troubles them talk about how you both feel on that issue, remember be fair to each other silence or a cold shoulder will only make things worse. Sort out one problem at a time it can be fatal to any relationship if one or other of you is tempted to say “and another thing…….”. One problem, one session of talking, one day at time, is the answer.

Be fair to each other, take it slowly, plan out your times for these private talks so that you will have time to bring up all the irritations you find in your relationship one at a time, knowing that what is not sorted out now will be talked about on the next planned talk.

3 words will govern the future of your relationship Talk-Time-Temper

 
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Finding ways to keep your marriage fresh will prevent your relationship from hitting rough waters over the years, and the best, possibly the only way, of doing this is through intimacy.

Intimacy is much, much more than the just the physical side of your relationship, in fact the physical side can be great, but you can still find yourselves drifting apart. This is because the intimacy in your relationship is on one level only, you need to make it t go a lot deeper to be a part of every aspect of your marriage especially it must include the emotional aspects of your relationship.

Share your emotions with your spouse every single day, you really should be open and transparent with each other. In a committed relationship you will be able to easily feel when something is wrong with your partner, yet you forget that your partner can feel when you are feeling something is wrong. This is because somehow you have let life get in the way of your emotional responses, and you are too busy or detracted to allow your feelings to be open and visible between you and your partner.  

You must include your spouse in dealing with the “not so good things”, as well as the good things life throws at you, exclusion with open up a divide between you. Just remember you are not the only person in the world to feel the stress and pressure of dealing with finances, family and home, to mention just a few issues. In many ways the problems you encounter and situations that may come your way are not really the problem, it’s the way you deal with them together.

Remember the somewhat corny saying “United we stand……………..” well corny or not it is very true, the intimacy of marriage or any relationship is strengthened by sharing the good and the bad, and dealing with the issues together.

Your marriage started out on a high note with all your feelings fine tuned to each other, then things start to cool and sometimes a little stale. You need to take some time to be together, just the two of you, so you can reconnect with intimacy and emotional sharing you both at the beginning and your marriage will last as long as you go on the way you started.

Along the way enjoy the champagne and strawberries
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The bad economy is taking a toll on lots of relationships and marriages, more than in recent memory  cash is short in many households. Financial problems rank amongst the major relationship stress points if not handled with  love and understanding and above all trust in each other.

The basis of any long term relationship is trust which must cover every aspect of your partnership, not only the way you treat each other and relate to each other, it must also include financial planning for the household budget.

Financial planning means that you must be honest with each other about income and your outgoings, especially in these hard times. Getting into debt will place tremendous strain on your relationship, the worry of being overwhelmed by that debt cab take over your daily life. This in turn can lead to depression, which can lead to stress that can ,in extreme cases eventually lead to an irreparable breakdown of the relationship.

In my experience those couples who stand together - stay together, it comes down to talking to each other about money concerns and planning out what finance you have available. You can then face the future united, if you feel the problems are getting too much for you to handle on your own then you should consider seeking  professional help.

In today’s financial climate banks and C.C. companies are more than willing to talk. There are many programmes for debt relief that are available to you, talk to your bank and credit card companies, who will be prepared to talk terms with you. Remember it is their interest as well that you come to some manageable repayment plan, they realise that if nothing is done to sort out your financial problems then everyone loses. If you feel uncomfortable or feel that you are unable to do it yourself, then seek professional help right away, there are many companies offering debt consolidation plans. Make sure you check them out and get competitive quotes before you commit

In the end it is only money, and as long as you have each other you can face anything


 
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