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Relationships take many forms such as those of friendship, of family, with co-workers and your love of your partner to mention but a few, however these are probably most important to all of us. Though all of these relationships are widely differing they all have the same basis, that of trust and when it is broken to make an unhappy relationship the 4 step cure is the same.

Step 0ne

This primary step has the deceptively simple title “forget the past – focus on the future”, this is not only a significant starting point, it is also the most difficult thing to achieve. We are all human when it comes to forming our relationships and if they go bad we all suffer and become unhappy. It is human nature that we have a tendency to become ‘emotional garbage collectors”, collecting all manner of emotions good and bad, which we feel we have to keep hold of. In order start to move on in an unhappy relationship then you need to “forget the past- focus on the future”, you may feel that you cannot do this on your own and some type of professional counselling is required you can start with online help or if you attend a church see your pastor.

Step Two

Give up your grudges, try never to use the term “you” in your conversations or arguments with your partner, for instance you might be tempted to say something like “you always do that……………….”, this is making an argument into a confrontation. Confrontation is something you do not need to get involved in as it is a step onto a downward spiral, think in terms of “I” and “we” in your thoughts and conversations this way you have the best chance of avoiding confrontation. Referring to your partner as “You” use in conversation engenders resentment by your partner, because in doing this you are looking to others to meet your needs. The use of “I” and “we” means that you are taking steps to fulfil your own emotional needs and stepping away from confrontation.

Step Three 
 
Give up your grief, in saying this I mean do not become a prisoner of the pain caused by a relationship gone or going bad. Thinking or saying things like “if only he/she had done this……………..” means that you are not dealing with your pain merely trying to justify it. This can lead to another downward step, that is when you start to feel “I don’t think I will ever get over this…………..”, you are then sealing the pain in by building a wall round you heart to keep further from more hurt. In doing that you are trapping the hurt within yourself, take ownership of the problem, bring it out in the open and deal with it, seek help if you feel you need it.

Step Four

Give up your guilt, this is the final stage, accept what cannot be changed or said, do not burden yourself with guilt over these past unchangeable things. Turn you guilt loose by releasing your emotions that are holding you back, face your partner, forgive yourself and work on your problems together, get together and try. 
 
Remember the game is only half over however badly the first half went, you have the second half to change things with you new renewed emotions. You can rebuild an unhappy relationship with these 4 steps.
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“Laugh and the world laughs with you; Weep, and you weep alone; For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth, But has trouble enough of its own”

The American Poet and writer Ella Wheeler Wilcox

A strong marriage or relationship has deep in its roots ‘laughter”, it’s the best way of staying together, the ability to make each other happy and laugh together, is a fundamental requirement for the longevity of any relationship.

You see the oddest couples about, he or she might be very attractive and their partners could be quite ordinary on the surface, but if you ask them what primarily drew them together to answer is often that they laugh with each other.

Laughter has to be shared between you, laughter means happiness, not sarcasm by one partner against the other as this will lead to hurt, disappointment and eventually disaffection.  The world is a hard enough place so humor is what keeps the balance in your lives, laughter at small things that happen every day, means that you are sharing together in a way you would not do with anyone else.

The sharing of small things, sometimes inconsequential things, builds an intimacy between the two of you that surpasses all of the other emotions and eventually bonds the two of you into a rock steady unit.

I know it might sound a dumb statement to make that ‘laughter” is the best way of staying together, but all of the people that I know who have been together in a happy marriage or relationship, have this aura about them based on their ability to make their partner laugh and therefore happy. It is their secret, they could not explain it if they wanted to, its just there, it has always been there between them.

I guess what I am trying to say is that when the right person comes along, I certainly did, you will just know because - they make you laugh.   

 

 
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I still love my ex what can I do now?

If you keep going over and over in your mind “I still love my ex” you will need to try to figure out what can I do now? What does it all mean? After all you two shared a loving relationship so it is not unnatural for there to be some latent feelings of ‘love’ remaining with you for your ex. Does this feeling you have mean that you can get back with your ex.

The fact that you still feel “I still love my ex” is great in so far as you feel that you are still holding on to some or all of the love that once bound the two of you together. This is no doubt caught up with your memories of all the good times you shared together during your marriage or relationship. Be careful that you do not get too sentimental about these feelings, because you may be thinking “I still love my ex what can I do now” but what you may really be asking is “I still love my ex, does my ex want me?” Take a little time, or a lot of time depending how quickly you can get your thoughts together in some sort of order.  Then step back from your feelings and try to work out if there is any chance that the two of you belong together again.

Take it slow and see how your feelings stay with you, it may be that you mainly miss the friendship that you shared, just let you thoughts stream freely there is no need to work on them, eventually the truthfulness of your thoughts will become obvious to you. It maybe that these feelings you have of love turn to fondness then friendship, if your ex feels the same then that’s a win, win situation for you, because true friends are hard to find. 

If your feelings remain strong and you are still in love with your ex, then you need to find out how your ex feels about you, do not rush into it take you time, cultivate friendship with your ex, then let it take its course see how things develop. Try not to be pushy by trying to move things along too quickly, it will soon become obvious to you both as to whether you what to have another go at mending your old love.

You may decide together that you need to seek counselling or relationship advice, as it is definite possibility the neither of you have a clear idea of how and when things started to go wrong. There are many kinds of professional advice that you can seek, maybe you could make a start by seeking online help. Frankly, that's what I did when we had problems. We followed a plan authored by T 'Dub' Jackson. When I thought my cause was almost hopeless and I was dying inside, it hauled us up by our bootstraps and helped us get our love back. The advice we got gave us a fresh start made our relationship stronger.

Saying “I still love my ex” is the best start, the hard work that you both put in to re-igniting your passion for each other, combined with the advice you receive form your counselling, will soon enable you to change from thinking “I still love my ex” to saying “I love my ex”  
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You had a falling out and they walked out on you, it does not have to be awkward to get them to come back to you, so you can have a second chance. You need to commit yourself to getting your girlfriend/boyfriend back.
 
How long ago they went, days or weeks, is not  a factor, the way you go about it is the same. Just brush up your self esteem and confidence and follow this path, I have had good results with it when I have talked it through with the people I have advised.

Figuring out what went wrong is always the trickiest bit because you need to work out what part you had in the split, if you do not get it right in your mind, then you will not know what you need to apologise for so that you can make things better. Your relationship was between the two of you and you were both involved in the split, so be truthful with your plans and be prepared to take the blame for your share of what went wrong and have a second chance.

Time is a great healer, use this time to move through the event s that lead to the split, what did your ex find about you that they disliked about the way you behaved?  Can you fix they way you behaved towards them? It is almost always hard to figure this out on your own, get your support group of family and friends to help you.  If the problem is difficult for you to handle you might want seek out professional advice.

A professional advisor can be found at your church, in the phone book or if you prefer to seek advice in private try the two online guides that I recommend on my site. They will help you to see the problems the way your ex will see them, this could be crucial to getting them back. The advice you get will help you to pinpoint the ways you need to try to change your behaviour, do not be a push over and take the blame for everything.

Once you have decided on what your share of the split was, and the possible behaviour on your part then you can make an effective apology. There are two sides to every apology the first is to say you’re sorry and secondly to let your ex girlfriend/boyfriend understand that you know what you did wrong and that it will not happen again. The possibility of a second chance  show you really care for them so make your apology from your heart. Your ex will see then that you are making a real effort and that you are serious about getting back together, then there will be hope.

Be honest and sincere, speak from your heart and let your love shine through then a second chance will be far more likely.
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Breaking up is so hard to do for you and your ex, the tangled emotions and the hurt you both feel takes a lot of personal strength to overcome. It feels at the beginning that you will never be able to do it, the heartbreak is crippling you and that is what makes it difficult to handle. It is a big world and remember you are not the first nor the last to be going through this, you and your ex will survive the breakup.

The first stage in surviving the breakup is to get through the pain, do not bottle it up you cannot go through life without feeling pain at least once. You need to pas the pain so that you can move on to a new life. Breaking up with a loved one is like a death in the family, so allow yourself time to scream and shout, try writing down how you feel this will give you the time to think the breakup through and deal with it. Dealing with the pain is the beginning of your recovery.

Now that you have thought through your pain and calmed down, then with a clear mind you can see where things went wrong and that the decision to breakup, for whatever reason, was probably the right decision. When you have got to this point you are ready to move on, clear things up with your ex so you can both come to terms with the breakup, with such breakups there is a more than even chance that the relationship is really over.

If you both reach the almost inevitable decision that the break up is final, then you need to work on the separation of your lives and offer to give back gifts that you gave each other, give back things that are in each other’s homes. You must do this now, I know it is hard and full of emotional pitfalls but if you don’t do it now things will come back to bite you later in life.

The next and final step is a more or less symbol breaking the final ties of the relationship, this is done by deleting messages on your computer, destroying any letters or notes, get rid of any photos you have so that you have a clean sheet to move on with, this is all for your benefit in the long run.

Your long term survival will be softened and made more bearable if you gather round you people who care for you like family and friends as a support group. The survival will still be hard to do but with the love and support of your group you will be able to move on to better things

 
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After a break up and you have been dumped you hurt, you’re confused as to maybe why it happened, and you want answers NOW! But as always I advise you  take your time, stop and think things through, let your ex (and yourself) have some breathing space – think before you act.

Do not call or text your ex. for at least a week, if you start constantly calling immediately after the breakup then you run the risk  of appearing “needy” and this will probably make the gap between you even greater. After a week let your ex know that you are still interested and let it go at that, wait to see what their reaction is before planning your next step.

There reaction will break down into 3 broad categories, let’s start at the top

1) Their reaction is positive – great, well done!, but still take it slow before rushing back into the relationship, you still need to work out what went bad the last time. Make date with you ex say for coffee, somewhere neutral so that you can control the conversation and the length of your first ‘date’. Be there a little early and try to relax (have included a short video by TW Jackson called Calm Mind Technique practice the technique before seeing your ex) , have your questions ready and your answers. When your ex arrives say you’re sorry for what happened do not go on about it, just keep it short and allow them to reply, then talk over your questions about how you feel and how they feel. Remember you have two ears and one mouth so listen more than you speak. Keep the date short no longer than 20 minutes or so, then say you have to go for whatever reason you can think of arrange to meet again if you a happy with the way the ‘date’ went. There are two reasons for keeping it short, first it allows you to discuss your problems without getting too deep, after the date you can go over how it went quietly on your own secondly you will leave your ex wanting more, always a good thing. Meet up again a few days later, possibly at a place that you used to go when the relationship was new, and start the relationship all over again from the beginning, you will know from the first ‘date’ what went wrong.

2) Their reaction is indifferent, but open to meeting up – not so good, but at least it is not rejection! Go through the above plan for the first ‘date’ you might consider leaving the first ‘date’ for a short while before meeting up. This will give your ex time to think about why you want to meet up and then leave it for a while before doing so, in short let them stew for a while. In between your call and the first ‘date’  get together with your friends, make them into you support group, go out and have some fun, this will make your ex realise that you actually have a life. Your first ‘date’ will go much better with them knowing that you have your life back, this will grab their attention. Go through your first ‘date’ as before, study their reaction more closely, then go on to the second ‘date’ if it goes well, if not go out and enjoy the life you have just regained with your friends and support group.

3) Their reaction is negative even hostile – not good, but not necessarily final. Put everything on hold and get together with your friends and support group, go out and have fun, once you have got your life back together then think again. Do you really want to give it another go with your ex?, then after a few weeks try contacting them again and see, if it looks like there is a possibility then go to position 1 and start again take it slow and tread carefully you don’t want to get hurt all over again. If the answer in still no, then enjoy your regained life and find someone else.
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Be Fair to Each Other

After a few years together you may start to each for granted, you know pressure of life and survival in today’s economy can make it difficult to make time for each other, by that I mean private quality time. If this happens in your relationship it tends to become very brittle and the slightest trivial problem can become a major obstacle and lead to conflict. So take a firm grip on your relationship goals so that when your marriage/relationship is in conflict- be fair to each other.

Past experiences tell me that almost all relationships/marriages will go through, at some time, a period of conflict and how you handle it between you will influence greatly the outcome of your troubles. At the first sign of conflict take some quality time away from all distractions and talk to each other, I realise that you talk to each other most days but this time talk, not about things, but about what is going on in your relationship.

Breaking the ice is the most difficult thing to do, you may not have talked to each other about how you feel for a long time, so once you start the flood gates may well open. Take is one problem at a time do not let them pile up one on top of the other or you will become overwhelmed. Be fair to each other, no put downs, no sarcasm, you always do this or that……….. this attitude will only inflame the situation,  which is going in the opposite direction when you should be trying to minimise the scale of the fallout.

Take it in turns, allow one of you to bring up an issue that troubles them talk about how you both feel on that issue, remember be fair to each other silence or a cold shoulder will only make things worse. Sort out one problem at a time it can be fatal to any relationship if one or other of you is tempted to say “and another thing…….”. One problem, one session of talking, one day at time, is the answer.

Be fair to each other, take it slowly, plan out your times for these private talks so that you will have time to bring up all the irritations you find in your relationship one at a time, knowing that what is not sorted out now will be talked about on the next planned talk.

3 words will govern the future of your relationship Talk-Time-Temper

 
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Finding ways to keep your marriage fresh will prevent your relationship from hitting rough waters over the years, and the best, possibly the only way, of doing this is through intimacy.

Intimacy is much, much more than the just the physical side of your relationship, in fact the physical side can be great, but you can still find yourselves drifting apart. This is because the intimacy in your relationship is on one level only, you need to make it t go a lot deeper to be a part of every aspect of your marriage especially it must include the emotional aspects of your relationship.

Share your emotions with your spouse every single day, you really should be open and transparent with each other. In a committed relationship you will be able to easily feel when something is wrong with your partner, yet you forget that your partner can feel when you are feeling something is wrong. This is because somehow you have let life get in the way of your emotional responses, and you are too busy or detracted to allow your feelings to be open and visible between you and your partner.  

You must include your spouse in dealing with the “not so good things”, as well as the good things life throws at you, exclusion with open up a divide between you. Just remember you are not the only person in the world to feel the stress and pressure of dealing with finances, family and home, to mention just a few issues. In many ways the problems you encounter and situations that may come your way are not really the problem, it’s the way you deal with them together.

Remember the somewhat corny saying “United we stand……………..” well corny or not it is very true, the intimacy of marriage or any relationship is strengthened by sharing the good and the bad, and dealing with the issues together.

Your marriage started out on a high note with all your feelings fine tuned to each other, then things start to cool and sometimes a little stale. You need to take some time to be together, just the two of you, so you can reconnect with intimacy and emotional sharing you both at the beginning and your marriage will last as long as you go on the way you started.

Along the way enjoy the champagne and strawberries
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The bad economy is taking a toll on lots of relationships and marriages, more than in recent memory  cash is short in many households. Financial problems rank amongst the major relationship stress points if not handled with  love and understanding and above all trust in each other.

The basis of any long term relationship is trust which must cover every aspect of your partnership, not only the way you treat each other and relate to each other, it must also include financial planning for the household budget.

Financial planning means that you must be honest with each other about income and your outgoings, especially in these hard times. Getting into debt will place tremendous strain on your relationship, the worry of being overwhelmed by that debt cab take over your daily life. This in turn can lead to depression, which can lead to stress that can ,in extreme cases eventually lead to an irreparable breakdown of the relationship.

In my experience those couples who stand together - stay together, it comes down to talking to each other about money concerns and planning out what finance you have available. You can then face the future united, if you feel the problems are getting too much for you to handle on your own then you should consider seeking  professional help.

In today’s financial climate banks and C.C. companies are more than willing to talk. There are many programmes for debt relief that are available to you, talk to your bank and credit card companies, who will be prepared to talk terms with you. Remember it is their interest as well that you come to some manageable repayment plan, they realise that if nothing is done to sort out your financial problems then everyone loses. If you feel uncomfortable or feel that you are unable to do it yourself, then seek professional help right away, there are many companies offering debt consolidation plans. Make sure you check them out and get competitive quotes before you commit

In the end it is only money, and as long as you have each other you can face anything


 
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